The Tough Cookie’s No Longer Stoical

I’ve always been stoical. That’s what I’ve been led to believe because that’s how most people see me. I guess it’s because at first glance, I easily fall under the intellectual-yet-unfeeling category. I’m a consistent honor student. I graduated valedictorian from an exclusive boys’ school and earned my Political Science degree from UP with an average on the fringes of a magna cum laude standing. This year, I’m about to take my graduate studies in Industrial Relations and major on Human Resource Development. Maybe after that I’d take up law and focus on labor issues. Add to this interest in scholarship my silent demeanor and the resulting impression is that of a boxed-up tough cookie. But I’m a great listener. Friends could attest to the patience with which I handle their rants in life and problems with love. I give great advice too but in spite of that I can’t seem to relate to issues of heartache and letting go of someone you love. That’s until I met Mig and by some wicked twist of fate, the tough cookie crumbled. Now, I’m trying to put together the broken pieces of myself.

I got to know Mig online and I must admit, we’ve never met in person. I know eyebrows will rise because of the fact that I’m wallowing over someone I haven’t even met personally. It’s pathetic, I know, but no matter how I try to rationalize, that’s just how it is.

Mig’s in his mid-20s, an accountant and a very sweet guy. I chanced upon him in a chatroom arguing with someone and I figured it must have been a lovers’ quarrel. I laughed at it, thought it was very silly and reminded myself never to be involved in such a scenario. There were four of us in that room. The other guy asked for my instant messenger ID and after giving it, I left the chatroom for us to have our own talk. Then out of nowhere, a window popped up asking me to add someone to my messenger list. It was half of the quarrelling couple and yes, it was Mig.

We started talking, asked about each others’ lives and told each other to keep in touch. Although we barely chanced upon each other online after our first talk, he’d make sure that everyday there was a quote I’d read every time my offline messages box popped up. In fact, I even printed one of those quotes and posted it near my office desk. It says, “Life is an ever shifting kaleidoscope – a slight change and all patterns alter.” Looking back, I regret not being able to reciprocate his efforts that much. At the back of my mind, perhaps until now, maybe I really wanted Mig to ripple my kaleidoscope and change the patterns of my life.

Through time, I learned more about Mig. Our online correspondences were very enriching because Mig’s the type of guy who’s very open. He was ever-generous in sharing his life and what he went through to get to where he’s now at. I began to admire his tenacity and perseverance as he recounted how he struggled through school. He took on odd jobs like selling vegetables in Alabang and working as a janitor before finally getting a big break when his former superiors in a fast-food restaurant pushed him and helped him through college.

I willingly embraced his stories of courage and faith especially since I was at a crossroads in my life deciding whether to pursue a career in political science and international relations or shift gears and search for my place in human resource development or law. He’s been an inspiration and eventually, every buzz and emoticon he sent ignited in me the desire to become a better person. By the way, he’s also an incoming fourth year student under the five-year program of the UP Law School, yet another reason why I look up to him with great admiration. From struggling to become a CPA to pushing his limits by juggling work and law school, Mig’s character served as my guidepost and he became my star. With that, I slowly heard my heart whisper that he’s a special person and that I wanted to be with him, in part, I actually wanted to be like him.

I knew beforehand that he’s got a girlfriend working in New York. And to me, the fact that he was still looking for a guy-partner was one striking flaw in his otherwise admirable personality. Maybe it was out of respect for his girlfriend and the fact that they were already planning to get married that made me draw my border and assign myself the role of a confidant, a friend who’d listen to his endearing musings and insightful tales. But believe me, it was a struggle not to cross that line which I myself set. Simply put, Mig’s very giving and thoughtful. It was difficult not to fall.

Two days ago, we chanced upon each other again online after a long time. I asked how he’s doing. He said that he was doing well. He had his stories to tell while I listened intently and queried even more like a child discovering how rainbows are formed. Suddenly, he was offline without any warning whatsoever. It was so unlike him and to justify that glitch, I told myself that his computer must’ve automatically lost its connection after the time he paid for at the net café ran out. That thought bought me some peace of mind. The following day, he was again online the same time I was. I asked him what happened yesterday. He told me his baby texted him for them to chat online. I paused. I had to catch my breath.

“Ur gf is in mla now?”
“No.”

My heart began to beat faster and slower at the same time as my chest constricted making me want to catch my breath even more.

“So u have a guy now?”

I remember a yes followed by three words spelling out the name of someone he seemed to love so dearly.

“But how about ur gf in NY?”
“She’s still my baby and maybe by Sept. we’ll get married already.”

Confused and deeply hurt, the stoical guy I thought I knew felt bitter pangs he couldn’t recognize. In all his years in school, it was a hard slap for him to realize only now that there really was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

As I’m writing this piece, I have yet to recover and reconcile the myriad feelings I have now. I have difficulty eating and sleeping and my heart still beats faster and slower at the same time. But in spite of all these, I’d like to believe that there’s a purpose for all the hurt and bitterness. That maybe God is humbling me and that He’s breaking me so that I may rebuild a better stronger self.

Before meeting Mig, I went online to find myself through interesting people. I love hearing stories of how they reconciled their personal issues with the other aspects of their lives – family, career, spirituality. It gives me a sense of hope knowing that people are indeed multidimensional without losing their essential self. The whirlwind of the past few days taught me that there really is a possibility of finding myself through other people. But that process of searching for myself through others isn’t as straightforward as coming up with a well-researched strategic paper. Sometimes, your search leads you to people who become instrumental in breaking you so that you may experience the transformative powers of pain. I’ve been praying a lot for hope because that’s all I can hold on to right now. I’m still confused and hurt but looking at the brighter side of things, at least I can now say that the tough cookie is no longer stoical.